A baby's tale

My daughter has earned various nicknames, but perhaps the most accurate, is ‘crazy lady’.  Of her many pastimes, perhaps her favorite is to take her tiny stroller, and put either: a cell phone, doll, or stuffed animal in it.  Then she goes.  She only knows one speed, and that is as fast as her tiny legs can carry her.  She careens around corners, crashes into walls, and given that the stroller is not made for such speeds, it wobbles and shakes as if it had a case of tremors.  Unfortunately, as the wobble increases, she is prone to lose her balance and topple over.   Generally, the results are not so bad, she pops back up and goes on as if nothing had happened, but inevitably there will be those falls that are not easy to get up from.  There is a pause, and then the siren begins.  That is when it is time to swoop in and comfort. 

                That is the life of a child- constant growth and constant instability.  With so much instability in their life, there has to be an external figure that can provide a semblance of stability, and the child has no choice but to trust him or her for that is their only hope in getting through the growth process. Ideally, this is a parent, and the hallmark of a child is their trusting nature.  I am not sure my daughter would be apt to go full speed ahead if she didn’t know there was someone there to pick her up and comfort when the fall is a tough one. 

                It is no wonder, then, that on top of the holiest object and in the holiest place that there is in Judaism- the Holy Ark and Holy of Holies, respectively- there are two Cherubim.   The Talmud describes that these Cherubim had the face of a baby. Why?  Because these are faces of trust, faces that realize that they are in an unstable existence.   The result of living in an unstable existence is that you look up for a source of stability. 

                To live a life of growth requires trust. Necessarily, in any growth process there is a period of instability where you have left the previous stage behind and are about to land in unfamiliar territory.  This a time of vulnerability, and a person is beholden to trust an authority to get through the tumult.  For this reason, at the heart of Judaism is the trusting face of a child, for this is the face that shows a person what it takes to grow, trust in something higher.  

A limitless pleasure

There is something about five over the limit that feels so right.[1]  Limit means an end point that one must not overstep, yet everyone knows that there is an invisible plus five written visibly underneath the stated speed limit.  I remember that when I first learned to drive I had the gall to ask my driving instructor whether five over was acceptable.  He curtly replied, ‘no’.   But, that did not revoke the obvious- people have a need for five over. 

                So where does the veracity of the dictum ‘rules are meant to be broken’ come from?  As soon as there is a new rule, the mind conjures up expansions and exceptions to it.  Where does this abhorrence for limits come from? I asked a parachute instructor once about the attraction of jumping out of a plane at ten thousand feet.   He looked at me sheepishly and said, ‘it is better than relations with a woman’.  What is commonly viewed as the acme of human pleasures is in reality supplanted by one of the expressions of overcoming limits, jumping out of a plane.  This is the drive that humanity strives for more than any other; we want to live longer, be stronger, and run faster.  For humanity, the motivation for advancement is ‘limits are meant to be broken’.

                Here we meet a robust conundrum.  If it the Torah is a litany of ‘rules’ or mitzvahs, then why would the Jews say, ‘We will do and we will listen’?![2] Wait a second.  Humans hate limitations, as we just established, and these Jews were no different.  Perhaps, we need to reexamine what a mitzvah is?

                We need three axioms to move forward:   G-d is the only limitless entity in the universe.  A being’s will is his essence.  A mitzvah is an expression of G-d’s will.  With this in place, we can understand what the Jews realized back then.  Mitzvahs are not really rules, but a ticket to the ultimate pleasure in the world.  By doing a mitzvah, a person aligns his will with the will of a limitless reality, thereby becoming temporarily limitless.  These are the only rules in the universe that act this way, because these are the only rules that are really portals to a limitless reality, and hence, a pleasure that is beyond anything that this finite world can offer. 

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[1] Based on the Alter of Slabodka’s Pleasure of Mitzvahs Page 166 Part two of Or Ha Tzafon

[2] Shemos 24:8

What is in a kiss?

                As a teenager, a trip to Argentina meant two things: great food and great greetings.  Granted it was strange to be embraced and pecked on the cheek by complete strangers, better that than the plastic, ‘I am a bit too cool for a real greeting’ hand gestures I was accustomed to.  Argentinians love to take credit for whatever they can, from the heart bypass surgery to Maradona, but I don’t think they can take credit for this one. 

                An auspicious kiss is mentioned this week when Moses greets his father in Law.  There are various remarkable things to note about this meeting, not least of which is this kiss. It says that, ‘Moses went out towards his father in law, and he bowed and kissed him, and the man asked to his friend about his peace, and he brought him to his tent’.[1]  Bear in mind that according to various opinions, this took place after Moses spent forty days and forty nights without food or water in the divine presence receiving the Torah.  Still, Moses went out of his tent to greet his father in law.[2]  Generally speaking, when visiting the important people of the world, we go to them.  But, if that wasn’t enough, we have a bow and a kiss, though ambiguous in the verse, is ultimately attributed to Moses towards his father in law. But, if that wasn’t enough, we have a friendly ‘how are you? ‘Again, Moses just encountered the divine in a way that no other human being will or ever has, but before he goes into details about that encounter, he shows Yisro how much he cares about him.  After all that, he invites him inside and divulges the world’s secrets.  Any effective teacher has to show he cares about his students first.

                Now, why did the Torah have to tell us about this kiss?  The Torah does not tell us what shoes Moses wore, or how long they embraced, but the kiss was left in.  What is the importance of a kiss and when should we use it? Actually, the midrashim say that a kiss is appropriate in four places: when a person ascends to greatness, when a person sees a friend after a long time, when a person leaves for a long time, and when a person is family (I suppose the South American custom is rooted here).  But the depth of what is behind a kiss is the idea of the greatest love.  Love at its finest is the desire to help another person reach their potential.  And that is a kiss, a moment beyond words, where as one sage expressed, two souls meet.  What he means is that a kiss is a romantic CPR, it gives life to another person by showing that finite words are not sufficient to capture what I believe about the potential of this person. 

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[1] Exodus 18:7

[2] Insights by Rabbi Gershenfeld

Getting over the hump

It sounds so simple.  Yet, it speaks volumes about who a person really is.  The Stanford Marshmallow Test conducted in 1972 went as follows:  it took four year olds and placed a marshmallow in front of them.  The children were promised a second if they could wait twenty minutes and refrain from eating the first.  Some children could control their impulses and some couldn’t.  Particularly noteworthy, was the fact that the children were followed over the next fifteen years, and those children who had self-control scored significantly higher on various measurements of aptitude throughout.  Given the importance of this idea, it is no wonder this was the first lesson given to the Jews right after they walked triumphantly through split seas. 

                It is subtly hidden in the verse, as it says in verse 15:25: ‘And He cried out to Hashem , and G-d threw him a tree and he threw it in the water, and they became sweet, there he gave them irrational and rational laws, and they were tested’.    The context of the verse resides on the heels of the split sea where the Jews were without water for three days.  And finally, when they reach water, it happens to be bitter and undrinkable.  So Moses is given a tree by G-d which he throws to sweeten the water.  The verse above then concludes the episode, almost parenthetically, that the Jews were then taught parts of Torah and they were tested.  Bear in mind that is forty nine days before the Torah was given.  Why are the Jews given a sneak preview of what is to come, and particularly, at the bitter waters?  

                The reason is as follows.  There are two types of satisfactions in life.  Satisfaction number one is the satiation one gets after many hours in the desert sun, on the verge of real dehydration, when he stumbles upon cold water.  His parched mouth and lips savor every drop of water.  Imagine, in the same situation, that a person stumbles upon a freshly made \crème brule.  Granted, there is some pleasure there, but compared to simple glass of water, this is a huge disappointment.  Crème Brule is something that is meant to be appreciated only as a result of previous satiation. In other words, this is the second type of satisfaction- a pleasure that comes from an inner drive to be there, but not because there is a need.  A person does not need to eat dessert because he is hungry and feels a bodily need for it. Rather, there is higher faculty involved that wants to appreciate a refined and sweet taste unlike the staple foods used to keep him alive.  In the first pleasure, it is because he is so empty that the water is so tasty- it comes from need.  In the second pleasure, it is because he is so full that the crème brule is so tasty.  

                The catch is that life’s crème brule’s come at the end of what is often a bitter opening process, or at the very least, a comparatively dull opening meal.  Anything internal works this way.  Any intellectual subject matter works this way.  Any math professor will speak glowingly about the fascination of his subject, but what he won’t mention is that his current groundbreaking  research is piggy backed on years of grunt work that he did not want to do, but needed to do.  This is the lesson of the bitter waters.  G-d wanted the Jews to approach Mount Sinai with a taste for spiritual wisdom already developed in their mouth.  So G-d had to take care of their initial need for spiritual wisdom, and filled them with certain laws.   However, when coming from a place of need, the results tend to be bitter.  But, after the difficult start, comes the possibility of real pleasure-growth because of want rather than need.   The beauty of this satiation is that it knows no limits. To the extent that a person wants to grow he can, since it is intrinsic and not bound by fulfillment of a need. All we have to do to get the real pleasure is get over the initial hump, and  then we can wait for that second marshmallow to come. 

Women's Rights

Great concern about women’s rights has erupted in Israel over several incidents- some inexcusable while others seemingly innocuous. There are two aspects to the issue.  First, does the separation of men and women imply discrimination against women, as Bill Gates commented in a recent interview on the BBC?  Secondly, should the separation and cover up be enforced in the public domain? The second issue is fairly simple, no, and especially not in the way certain situations have been handled.  To be clear, those responsible are not really religious.  The press fails to report that these same ‘religious’ fanatics have also spit on the leading Rabbis who have policies against their beliefs.  Clearly, the secular media wants to use the zealots to tarnish the entire religious community.   They are fanatic personalities that would be fanatic in any arena.  Further, that is the reason there is a large camp of Jews who are not traditionally Zionist for if you define a State as Jewish you are then forced to define Jewish- to do so results in an uncomfortable mixture of ‘synagogue’ and state that forces the issue.  So back to the first issue, does separation equal discrimination?

In truth, it is hard to justify answering questions, as if from a defensive position, about discrimination from a secular society that lags far behind in protecting its women.    Let me site a few statistics that will highlight the point.  As many as one in four women will be involved in some type of rape during their college careers.[1]   Anorexia is the third most prevalent chronic illness among teenagers, mostly women of course.[2]  And finally, it is now expected that nearly 50% of married couples will engage in infidelity at some point in their marriage, and mostly it will be the man that strays.[3]  To say that each of these items is destructive is an understatement.  Just take the last statistic, the amount of depressed spouses and destroyed children that come about from this behavior is not included in the data.  In the religious world, the comparable statistics are virtually negligible.              

 

What accounts for the difference?  Perhaps, it is the moral ideology that adultery and rape are morally reprehensible. The problem is that moral abhorrence of rape is similarly strong in the university world, but it still happens at an unacceptable rate (adultery is no longer necessarily considered wrong by secular standards despite the terrible consequences).   So if it isn’t ideology, then what is it? Likely, it is the cultural norms and actions that make a difference, namely separation of the sexes.  Ideology is never enough when trying to enforce action; knowing that something is wrong will not help unless a tangible action tags along.  For example, a person on a diet does not spend time in a fresh bakery.  Likely, during the duration of the diet he avoids all places that may tempt him.  It is not that he discriminates against unhealthy food; rather, he has other values that override his desire for the food, health, and so he places barriers between him and the food to lessen the chance for a mistake.  The knowledge that sweet smelling baked goods will ruin his diet won’t guarantee success.   

Granted, this a crude analogy, but it works over here.  To deny that there is a natural magnetism between men and women is to deny a biological reality.  There is a real force in the world called attraction between the sexes and it is among the more powerful forces created in this world.  Ideology alone that this force can only be acted upon in the proper situation is not enough given the extent of moral failures in this area.   Clearly, simply mind over matter does not necessarily apply here- a person may be playing Russian roulette with his and his family’s well-being. 

                Therefore, the recognition of this force neither places the blame nor targets just women.  It does not hyper-sexualize women, as one Rabbi wanted to claim, nor desexualize them completely.  The norms in place reflect a force that exists and ensures that this force of attraction is kept at bay in the wrong situations. And from a spiritual perspective, both parties are equally boosted internally by the separation- it is spiritually destructive for a man to view a woman as an object, as it is for the woman to want to be viewed that way.   Separation of the sexes is not discrimination, but an intelligent way to ensure strong families and communal spiritual growth.

for two excellent articles on the matter, written by a woman, please see:
http://www.haaretz.com/jewish-world/can-ultra-orthodox-culture-go-overboard-in-its-quest-for-modesty-1.408262
http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Op-EdContributors/Article.aspx?id=251336

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[1] 1 Hirsch (1990). National Victims Center. Retrieved August 16, 2000, from the World Wide Web: http://www.ncvc.org/ index.html

[2] http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity